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everlast
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Tuesday, April 1, 2014
a fool not just in april
hi
walked home from katong today (under the scorching mid-afternoon sun and the killer heat but yes i survived), partially because i missed all my buses and partially because i felt like a stroll alone was much needed. i don't know what i'm trying to imply/get at (possibly not even anything), but this is what the nice little stroll gave me:
1. i don't care(lorie)
i cannot care about calories, i should not care about calories, i do(n't) care about calories. "ohhhhh ew there she goes again about her stupid little recovery thing" ...please do not read on. i feel like many people don't understand how this whole disorder works, whereby everybody is just like "oh she has an ED wtf oh how gross how fake how stupid/oh but she has everything what else does she want etc." (fun fact: anorexia is commonly known as the "rich girl syndrome" or something along those very condescending lines) also, not-so-fun-fact: EDs are actually just like this fact.. not-so-fun.
i'm not going to explain this whole disorder and its mechanisms and all that jazz because it simply cannot be explained, and also because it will only appear to be a whole load of bullshit/exaggerated whining to most people. but maybe, just maybe, you might get some insight on this whole stupid disorder thing that up to 24 million people suffer from in the US (yes, not including the rest of the world); which also has the highest mortality rate out of any mental illness -- not that it matters right?
...i digress. so anyways last night i went to sleep dead set on not counting the numbers that represent the amount of energy every piece of food provides to my body, and this morning while pouring milk onto my lovely (portioned) weet-bix i found myself thinking "200 calories in". then it came to the mid-morning snack which went something like "errr round up to 300 calories so 500 omgomgomgomg". which led to "ok must go light for lunch, i think sandwich," proceeding to adding up the values for the sandwich. and then lunch was more than a sandwich obviously, because i quote, "every meal needs to have carbs, protein, and fibre." so lunch became eggs, smoked salmon, and a veggie sandwich. then came the "wah fuck too much" thoughts and the counting of calories again and the guilt and the feeling like horse shit blablabla...the usual process. my day just sounds so eventful and happening already, doesn't it? my mind is pre-occupied with all these numbers and how i'm going to make-up for a slip-up etc. it honestly is no fun at all. and the thing is i actually know that it's not fun, it's stupid, it shouldn't be done; but yet i constantly just go ahead and continue doing all that shit... whaaaaaat theeee fuuuuuuuckkkk?!???!??!?!?!????!!!
should i be upset that i continued adding up the numbers? yes. am i actually upset that i continued adding up the numbers? ehhhh.. not really. (but actually maybe a little, but oh well i'm going to continue doing so for the rest of the day i promise i won't tomorrow) it's a horrible, vicious cycle that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. as cliché as it sounds, everyday is battle and today i might have lost, but tomorrow might just be a miraculous day. well to be positive lunch was miraculous enough since all the food went in and stayed in. basically, this whole process is so natural for someone with an ED, just like how you pee when you feel the urge to (unless of course you have a bladder issue but yes this is no laughing matter sigh very bad joke attempt). it seems like it can't be helped but there are people who have conquered it and came out of it stronger than ever and i just hope that one day i'll be able to be part of that group and i don't know try to help those stuck. as of now though, there is a seemingly long way to go but whoooooo knooooooooows what the ~next day~ might bring?
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um there is more that i want to say but i cannot sit still anymore so no more maybe later or another day or never lol ok fidgety cheers xoxo
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