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everlast
☯ Twitter ☯ ☯ Instagram ☯ ☯ Dayre ☯ ☯ Ask.fm ☯ ☯ Nicolette ☯ August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 February 2012 March 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 January 2015 April 2015 |
Saturday, April 26, 2014
yucks 
got through the first week of school and it felt pretty surreal. it felt different from the previous year and i do not know why. nonetheless, since i chose to do it outpatient and on my own instead of depending on healthcare practitioners and having to live like a prisoner, i guess i'll just have to go with it. afterall, i am responsible for my own decisions. one thing though: school is allowing me to stray from the meal plan. skipping snacks between meals, unfinished supplement packets, more physical activity... while i am actually glad to be able to do all that, the people involved don't actually know that this is happening, and they cannot know that this is happening because then the outpatient option would be deemed unsuitable and i'll have to be admitted into what i think of as a lame loony bin. but the comfort i find in knowing that i did not hit the target number makes it difficult to adhere to the meal plan, especially since i have the freedom to do so in school. i don't know what to do but i do know very well that i'm going to continue doing this as long as supervision is absent with the presence of school. fekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
second
1. school is staring tomorrow and saying i'm not worried/scared would be a lie. mouths are bound to run, people are expected to pass judgement, i am more than likely to give in.
2. not going to lie; true progress has come to a halt. i don't know what i want anymore? i want recovery, but i crave the comfort of being 30.2. i want restoration, yet i yearn for the damage i was dealing with. (as you can see i want too many things and need to learn to be content with what i have lol haha) conflicted would be the state i am lingering most in at present, and if i were to fill in the "about me" blank for anything, indecisive would be my choice of adjective. i've been taking one step forward and one step back which basically leaves me stuck. at least it's not two steps back but with the holidays coming to an end, that second step might seem extremely appealing. who knows? yes yes beauty doesn't last forever, but is that still applicable to someone who lives for the present?
give me strength/give me courage/give me steel balls/give me perseverance/give me contentment
give me clarity
3. triggers. what do i do when even the people i hold closest to me are triggers? the answer with regards to recovery would be to let go of these relationships, but without them would i really be happy? less triggers, less anxiety, but also less comfort from them. on the flip side, the alternate answer would be to leave everything as it is, but risk progress. how now?
4. i think it's time to get off the grid, twitter specifically. i don't know how it works but somehow twitter has a way of fucking things up. twitter aside, change would be a good idea right now. change of friends, change of mindset, change of perception. maybe it would've been a better choice to be admitted, stay as an inpatient and skip the upcoming school semester instead of being a stubborn fucker and refusing admission. if i had gone for that i would have to deal with less familiar faces who will see an unfamiliar yanni. an example of why decision-making should never be left in my hands.
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anyway i created a dayre and realized it's actually quite entertaining (fun) hehe very cute stickers and stuff!!!!!
 Friday, April 18, 2014
taiwan
got back from taiwan on monday, which turned out to be more pleasant than i thought:
 
 
 
   
this is the first holiday as a complete family in idk 2/3 years and it was surprisingly more enjoyable than i thought it would be. so much gratitude towards my parents and my brothers for being patient while shopping, being patient during meal times, being patient when ed was making things difficult, being patient with me in general. chin family gave in to yanni. yanni says thank you.
yanni hopes for more such trips with the chin family.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
it has been more than a month and everyone, including myself, thinks that "you've come so far"/"you're doing so well"/"you look much healthier" etc.. i managed to stave off certain ed behaviours for more than a month and thought that i was done with recovery, done with meal plans, done with supplements, basically done with the ed; but i realized that the only thing i'm done with is myself.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
how strange it is that the people and relationships you are so grateful for/are the most encouraging/that you want to hold onto can be/become triggers as well.
with him, the constant and consistent thought is errr something along the lines of david and goliath (a.k.a normal human being and giant/mammoth/fat fuck). with her, i know everything is said and done with the best intentions but the negative emotions and thoughts are just unstoppable.
good day bad day good then bad day bad then good day blablabla so sick of this turbulent journey already i just want to crash.
"goodnight, Friday, April 4, 2014
continue 
so after two failed attempts, we managed to visit the originallyhipsterbutbecamefamousbecausesocialplatform cafe with the much photographed blue shutters. but this is not to talk about the cafe because there's hungrygowhere for a reason!!!
this may seem and is probably stupid/irrelevant to you but today i managed to chew and swallow scrambled eggs (and also thousand island) after more than a year!!!!!! sounds ridiculous but scrambled eggs have scared me because of the milk/heavy cream that's used in the cooking process, hence the avoidance and the fear. as for thousand island - you've probably heard of ladies going "dressing on the side pls" and i guess it's pretty common but nonetheless... i don't know how or why, but as minuscule and completely berserk this "event" might seem to you, it's one pretty worth celebrating about to me because this means so many things; but the one thing that i want to remind myself of (especially whenever on the edge) is...
progress
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
trig trig triggernometry
30.2
bodycheck bodycheck bodycheck
gross gross gross
i do already miss three-zero-point-two; i mean, who doesn't miss something they held on to so dearly? having a very strong urge to de-activate twitter, which is something i have wanted to do since the end of last year but i think we can all agree on the fact that social media occupies a (possibly too) big space in our lives. too many triggers everywhere recently, seems like everybody is either looking to drop a few kilos/is dropping a few kilos/have dropped a few kilos. and honestly it's pretty obvious that some are en-route to developing you-know-what.
but haha lol ok going to make a pretty selfish statement:
no one wants to hear about your fucking salad/how you feel great starving yourself/how you are going to starve yourself
on another note today has been another bad body image day yey how great...
lol ok bye
oooooooh going to get so much hate and judgement for this but what is new, especially the latter.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
a fool not just in april
hi
walked home from katong today (under the scorching mid-afternoon sun and the killer heat but yes i survived), partially because i missed all my buses and partially because i felt like a stroll alone was much needed. i don't know what i'm trying to imply/get at (possibly not even anything), but this is what the nice little stroll gave me:
1. i don't care(lorie)
i cannot care about calories, i should not care about calories, i do(n't) care about calories. "ohhhhh ew there she goes again about her stupid little recovery thing" ...please do not read on. i feel like many people don't understand how this whole disorder works, whereby everybody is just like "oh she has an ED wtf oh how gross how fake how stupid/oh but she has everything what else does she want etc." (fun fact: anorexia is commonly known as the "rich girl syndrome" or something along those very condescending lines) also, not-so-fun-fact: EDs are actually just like this fact.. not-so-fun.
i'm not going to explain this whole disorder and its mechanisms and all that jazz because it simply cannot be explained, and also because it will only appear to be a whole load of bullshit/exaggerated whining to most people. but maybe, just maybe, you might get some insight on this whole stupid disorder thing that up to 24 million people suffer from in the US (yes, not including the rest of the world); which also has the highest mortality rate out of any mental illness -- not that it matters right?
...i digress. so anyways last night i went to sleep dead set on not counting the numbers that represent the amount of energy every piece of food provides to my body, and this morning while pouring milk onto my lovely (portioned) weet-bix i found myself thinking "200 calories in". then it came to the mid-morning snack which went something like "errr round up to 300 calories so 500 omgomgomgomg". which led to "ok must go light for lunch, i think sandwich," proceeding to adding up the values for the sandwich. and then lunch was more than a sandwich obviously, because i quote, "every meal needs to have carbs, protein, and fibre." so lunch became eggs, smoked salmon, and a veggie sandwich. then came the "wah fuck too much" thoughts and the counting of calories again and the guilt and the feeling like horse shit blablabla...the usual process. my day just sounds so eventful and happening already, doesn't it? my mind is pre-occupied with all these numbers and how i'm going to make-up for a slip-up etc. it honestly is no fun at all. and the thing is i actually know that it's not fun, it's stupid, it shouldn't be done; but yet i constantly just go ahead and continue doing all that shit... whaaaaaat theeee fuuuuuuuckkkk?!???!??!?!?!????!!!
should i be upset that i continued adding up the numbers? yes. am i actually upset that i continued adding up the numbers? ehhhh.. not really. (but actually maybe a little, but oh well i'm going to continue doing so for the rest of the day i promise i won't tomorrow) it's a horrible, vicious cycle that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. as cliché as it sounds, everyday is battle and today i might have lost, but tomorrow might just be a miraculous day. well to be positive lunch was miraculous enough since all the food went in and stayed in. basically, this whole process is so natural for someone with an ED, just like how you pee when you feel the urge to (unless of course you have a bladder issue but yes this is no laughing matter sigh very bad joke attempt). it seems like it can't be helped but there are people who have conquered it and came out of it stronger than ever and i just hope that one day i'll be able to be part of that group and i don't know try to help those stuck. as of now though, there is a seemingly long way to go but whoooooo knooooooooows what the ~next day~ might bring?
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um there is more that i want to say but i cannot sit still anymore so no more maybe later or another day or never lol ok fidgety cheers xoxo
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