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everlast
☯ Twitter ☯ ☯ Instagram ☯ ☯ Dayre ☯ ☯ Ask.fm ☯ ☯ Nicolette ☯ August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 February 2012 March 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 January 2015 April 2015 |
Monday, March 31, 2014
333
when you asked me if i'm tired, here's what i wanted to say:
i am
i am tired of recovery
i am tired of being conscious all the time again
i am tired of having to force myself to finish my meals
i am tired of having to put up with the effects of re-feeding
i am tired of having to eat more than three meals or even two meals a day
i am tired of missing what i was like
i am tired of being afraid of how i will be like
i am tired of thinking of possible comments when it's time to return to ngee ann
i am fucking shag
Thursday, March 27, 2014
jesus fuckignkj chist
SOMEONE TAKE THE GRANOLA AWAY NOW AND NEVER BRING IT BACK
..
tomorrow's could be low
tomorrow's should be low
tomorrow's shall be low
tomorrow's will be low
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
haha lol 
"can do it for me not???"
(i'm sorry)
today i was selfish.
today i lost the battle.
today i let everyone down.
today was (somewhat) the first time i did not finish my food since the start.
i am not proud to admit that i still feel a sense of achievement when i don't hit the (target) number required. but then again i chose to take the plunge and embark on this journey to recovery and remission, and if the lower number hinders the process then i'm just allowing myself to be caught between a rock and a hard place; basically stuck in a rut. i know for a fact that every path is rough terrain, but which one is more worth the struggle?
numbers suck.
numbers suck.
numbers suck.
i hate numbers.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
tough
...one more person to not let down as of last night/this morning.
i was just thinking, who am i doing this for? this whole recovery process thing... do i really want it, or do i really want the people who are supportive to think i want it? because if the latter is the case then i don't think all this discomfort is worth the following relapse (once again). yes, i never actually managed to go through remission because let's be real -- self-acceptance is more difficult to achieve than a 4.1 GPA, and self-love is more difficult to carry out than having to consume any food that has been drowned to a golden colour in heated oil. all i can say is that this time i really am trying harder. on good days/at good moments i am able to tell myself and recognise that i was/will return to literally living like a lao-hong box of cornflakes.. no crunch to it at all... (lol); but on bad days/after the good moments i'll be like oh but i like my fries soggy/i like my oreos after they've been drenched in milk. it is fucking frustrating how quick the transition is and just what the fuck???!!!?!??!?!?!??!!?!?! why is it that the bad always catches up so quickly but yet the good has to be built-up over time???
//
i dove headfirst into this shot of recovery and i really hope my head does not hit the bottom.
Friday, March 21, 2014
one set of sevens 
it has been a week since the start and i swear i am going to turn into a poached egg (with an english muffin top soon) (lolololololol). can't handle the deep fried stuff and heavy carbs etc. yet ;-; (although chocolate has been a daily thing hehe yey plus one). i have been constantly body-checking, especially my legs and legitimately lost it last night when i saw that they are bigger than ever before. go on, take a stab at what i was planning to do at that point for the next few days/weeks/months/years (again). sososososososo triggering, body checks were sent from a worse hell than i was sent from. water retention should really just fuck off because 1. it hurts 2. deceiving additional inches + weight. anyway, thankful for my parents that night (and actually always) because if not for them i would've let the disorder win and wasted the week's worth of effort. which would be just... wtf...
also it was international happy day or something so after that whole hoo-ha relapse triggering episode i went to eat a copious amount of peanut butter (yes, from the jar) even though i don't really like peanut butter and it has around ten million calories; because a. calories b. cause i felt like it c. cause i can. felt so good for awhile before the thoughts transitioned back to why the fuck did you do that pui pui?!!?!??!???!? the constant transitioning of thoughts is so fucking discouraging and just ugh no fun.
but yah everyone has been so so so supportive and encouraging and i cannot let anyone down anymore. trust me, you have no idea how tormenting it is to watch your parents cry because they are so afraid that their only daughter would die at any given moment.
also it hurts even to just walk fuck u water retention i just want to sleep
Monday, March 17, 2014
day 3
three days into recovery and i have to say i have been nothing but obedient. i swear i am trying but honestly i still hear "purge and restrict" so clearly and loudly; and all this discomfort isn't exactly helping.
i look like a pregnant child and i cannot face anyone and i do not want to face anyone and i just want to give up so so so bad. "your liver and kidney are failing"/"your heart is shrinking" etc. never affected me. more of the avoiding being an inpatient and less of all that bullshit. but then again there are so many people supporting me and they have given up so much for me and everything and i
just want 2 kms.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
for once
12/03/2014
today has been so so lovely i want to remember how lovely this day has been. yes, it might have been spent alone, but some people actually do find comfort in solace. as well as in coffee and hot chocolate hehehehehehe. thank god i went for the job briefing or i wouldn't have had a good day (which are extremely hard to come by, especially recently). i know it may sound so pretentious in the ugh-romanticize-hurt-and-my-life-sucks kind of way, but life truly hasn't been too great and this day has just been sort of a break from the recent streak of draggy days. i am so thankful for it and i really hope that there will be more of such days and less of those downer days.
◉‿◉
Monday, March 10, 2014
deal or no deal 
i am at my wit's end
everyone else is at their wit's end
never found answers for questions that i have asked so many times, like: how do i get out of this? how do i make it stop? can he help? can she help? will this ever end? etc. and i am honestly prepared to say that this vessel has run out of steam. this vessel is lost out at sea (not referring to the malaysia airlines plane that went missing btw lololololololololol such unfunny). this vessel is only moving in one direction and that is down. this vessel is calling mayday. but i would also like to believe that this vessel has endured such violent weather, more violent than i would ever have imagined. and so when this vessel hits the ocean floor, it might not have found answers to its questions; but well i guess at least it found an end-point.
compromise, right?
give and take, you win some you lose some.
ok so as of now the situation is vaguely, or maybe accurately like this: say i'm stuck on the peak of mount everest or any mountain you prefer, and #fromwhereistand (lol geddit social media thingamajig lol) all i can do is jump but um this metaphor analogy thing isn't working out very well so basically the situation currently is kind of like aron ralston's situation featured in 127 hours except there is no cutting off of an arm to be done here... more or less getting into a dead-end where it's do or die.
bottom-line is: fuck it or get fucked
///
btw the b/p is back but on a bigger scale this time and i should just go fuck (kill) myself ;-;
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
feb fab sad feb???
holidays are hereeeeeeeeee.... well basically it has just been non-stop eating so yah ok : )))
  
        
 
   
   
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no admission please : (
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